The Things That Upset Us

Understanding the Source of Our Distress

We often find ourselves upset by events, people, or circumstances that seem beyond our control. However, according to Stoic philosophy, the real cause of our distress is not the external events themselves but our judgements and interpretations of them. The Stoics teach that by changing our perspective and focusing on what we can control—our thoughts, attitudes, and reactions—we can reduce the power these external things have over us. In this post, we will explore the Stoic approach to dealing with the things that upset us and how to cultivate a more resilient mindset.

“It is not things that upset us, but our judgements about things.”
— Epictetus, Enchiridion 5
The Role of Perception

At the heart of Stoicism lies the understanding that our perception shapes our experience of the world. Epictetus emphasised that it is not the events themselves that disturb us, but the way we choose to perceive them. This means that we have the power to reinterpret and reframe our experiences, transforming what might initially seem upsetting into an opportunity for growth or a chance to exercise virtue. By examining our perceptions and challenging negative or irrational thoughts, we can begin to see things more clearly and respond with greater calmness and rationality.

The Importance of Control

The Stoics believed that much of our distress comes from trying to control what is inherently uncontrollable. Whether it’s the behaviour of others, the outcome of a situation, or the events of the past, we often waste energy on things beyond our influence. The Stoic approach focuses on what is within our control: our thoughts, actions, and responses. By directing our energy towards what we can change, we free ourselves from unnecessary worry and frustration, allowing us to face challenges with equanimity.

Practising Acceptance

Acceptance is a key Stoic principle when dealing with the things that upset us. The Stoics taught that we should accept external events as they are, without adding unnecessary suffering through resistance or denial. This doesn’t mean passive resignation but rather an active choice to embrace reality as it is, recognising that some things are simply beyond our control. By practising acceptance, we can reduce the emotional impact of distressing events and maintain our inner peace.

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Practicing Stoicism

To apply the Stoic approach to the things that upset you, start by observing your perceptions and questioning whether they are accurate or helpful. Focus on what you can control in the situation, and practise accepting what you cannot change. With time, you’ll find that your capacity to remain calm and composed, even in difficult circumstances, will grow.

Daily Stoic Habits

Whenever something upsets you, pause and ask yourself: “Is this within my control?” Redirect your focus to what you can influence and accept the rest.

What Can Stoicism Teach Me

Key Lessons from Stoicism

Stoicism teaches that the things that upset us matter only as much as we allow them to. By adjusting our perceptions, focusing on what we can control, and practising acceptance, we can maintain tranquillity in the face of life’s challenges.

01

Perception

It’s not the event, but our judgement of it that causes distress.

02

Control

Focus on what is within your influence.

03

Acceptance

Embrace reality and let go of what you cannot change.

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